mercury turns direct

It's been a while since I've added any 0's and 1's to this space.

I guess I've thought I didn't have anything to say out here.

I am getting more and more qualified for living life and less and less out of it. Maybe that's wrong. Hasty. Silly even. I am so lucky to be where I am in life and doing what I love.

but sometimes I come home to my cats and my tv, and wonder what I'm really doing here. I know, I chose this life. I've pushed away those who would purport to be home with me right now. And all I want to do is draw in the one I want to be around more.

I can smell him in the air and on my sheets, and I lean in, breathing in deep and absorbing all I can. I vacillate between this love of him and total frustration. Fear or caring? Apathy or effort? What if?

Sometimes I get the feeling he could give a shit less. And sometimes I get the feeling he feels way more for me than I can know. I want to get closer. Closer, closer, closer. I want to see the pores and curves and wrinkles, to dive in and get my feet wet.

And always, my horoscope tells me "slow down." "stop freaking out." "focus on what you're supposed to be focusing on." "loosen up and enjoy love." "don't worry about love. it's there." "this will happen - slowly, and in time."


Damn it, horoscope. Just tell me the secret to getting those elusive men to fall for me. you know, the ONLY ones who aren't instantly in love with me. The ones I actually want around. Well, really, just ONe.

When we laid in the sunlight all day with each other, and laughed....well, that was just about perfect. I felt that warm wash of pretty that used to be around in the 90's. You make me smile like I'm sparkling. And laugh like I'm going to fall apart. You're like a warm breath of fresh air.

I hope you feel the same about me. MAybe not. Hopefully. I'm not always sure what you're thinking....but we're somehow in sync, nonetheless. Just wish sometimes you would....

Oh jeez, what am I thinking? stop trying to look for that elusive perfection. So he makes you cry once in a while. I didn't really feel all that bad....I was just drunk. I don't know why I felt so scared in the beginning (why I sometimes still feel a little scared). Maybe I could see how much I could really fall for you, and really want to settle in with you. No, I don't mean that scary stuff. i just mean to let down the guards and live life.

You're probably not in the mood to do all those things. I'm really not either. Kinda. You know, unless you are. When you say you want to be in charge
i take you seriously. You may be the only person I've ever taken seriously. I trust you more than you know right now. In June it will be one year since you left her, and it's still not official. I know, you gotta pay bills too. That shit's expensive. It shouldn't bother me, but it makes me feel you haven't decided what you want. I'm pretty sure I do.

There's some kind of weird thing going on in my heart, mind and body, where all I can think of is spending more time with you and having more conversations. Laying on the couch with you, barely touching. Turning my lips to yours when you get that look. Having you inside of me.

I wanna get inside that head of yours.


and when I tell you that thing that makes me squirm and take back my words....well, yes, I actually do mean it.




Well, this is all just sober rambling. I know we're adults. And things will work out as they will. I'll follow that horoscope of mine and slow down, calm down, and enjoy the moment. We already get so much time together, and I'm really no fun on the weeknights.

Shiiiit, I'm a fucking catch at any rate. Seriously.

I don't know why I spend so much time worrying over a silly boy - I haven't done this shit since I was a kid. I've got so many other things to worry about, like moving out of this town that has the ability to suck me in. And getting my bills paid. And graduating college, getting my masters, figuring out my career.

I'm a lot scared that I won't be able to make it in the real world - that I'll do the wrong things, wear the wrong clothes, and say the wrong things. Yes this is stupid. But those fears are within me, and make me frustrated.

I need to start paying these bills. I hate responsibility sometimes. I'm stuck somewhere between the world of the real and the world of few consequences. The world of being serious, wearing khakis and shoes that look nice, getting oil changes....and the world of drinking till dawn, blowing money on shows, and smoking two packs a night.

Looking at it with perspective, though, I remind myself that this is actually a pretty cool way to live life. I don't want to be one of those people who forgets how to have fun, who trades in late nights and laughs out with friends for a minivan and fights with their kids/husband. Or for a bunch of stupid days filled only with responsibility. I DO want that life of dichotomy, that lets me keep what makes me me, with some edge and a little drunken fun.

Maybe that's why I like this guy so damn much, cause he lets me be that person around him, and cause he is that person. It is so hard for me to let my own guard down.

And so the conversation comes full circle. Se fine.