the pot of gold.

I realized something important today, that I am judging things too quickly.

I have been worrying, worrying, worrying, about everything that doesn't require or ask for my worry.

I've been worrying as though I am addicted to it, as though my worry will somehow affect anything except for causing my own unhappiness.

It's not other people who are the problem - it is only my own expression of anything other than my true self.

I have been thinking about what the other person wants, what the other is thinking, what the other has ideas about.
And I have not been thinking about what I want, what I am thinking, what I have ideas about.

Not that I haven't analyzed as much as possible.
But the problem is that analysis does not yield answers when it comes to the particularities of the heart.
Analysis can only serve to cloud my sense of true self, my sense of the beauty within and without.

This is not impractical talk, this is the only kind of practical talk.
I have been thinking that I am looking for things from other,
When there is nothing I am looking for that cannot be found within.

This is not to say that I wish to wall myself off.
On the contrary, I wish to open up, to turn off the internal dialogue about the other and instead to enjoy.

Simply enjoy.

Instead of fault-finding, criticizing, and arguing, I see others and myself as a true expression of love in the universe.


Here are the questions:
1. What am I looking for? Here and in the moment?
2. Who is doing the looking?



THIS is the pot of gold. Not the rainbow.

the sound of the serpent

It begins where it ends... In nothingness. A nightmare born from deepest fears, coming to me unguarded. Whispering images unlocked from time and distance. A soul unbound - touched by others but never held. On a course charted by some unseen hand. The journey ahead promising no more than my past reflecting back upon me. Until at last, I reach the end. Facing a truth I can no longer deny. Alone, as ever.

my brain's leaking out my ears...

Who knew this knowledge was only clicks away on the internet?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You?

You Are A Woman!

Congratulations, you've made it to adulthood. You're emotionally mature, responsible, and unlikely to act out. You accept that life is hard - and do your best to keep things upbeat. This makes you the perfect girlfriend... or even wife!

Are You A Girl Or a Woman?

You've Already Found Love!

Whether you know it or not, you've already found love And this guy could be it, so hold on to him! And if you're single, start looking more carefully at your guy friends It could be anyone you already know, so keep an open mind.

Where Will You Find Love?

You Are An Understanding Girlfriend!

You care about your guy, so much that you tend to put him first And while this makes your relationship smooth, sometimes you let big things slide Still be your understanding self, but if something really bothers you - let your guy know He'll still want you, even if you occasionally disagree

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

You Have Him Totally Hooked

Your guy is all yours - and happily so. He loves being around you, and he totally sees you as a couple. It looks like you two have a great future together - if you want it!

Do You Have Him Hooked?

You Should Be In The Donnas

You've got that a bit of an edge to you The bad girl that all the good boys want!

What Girl Group Should You Be In?

Men See You As Desirable

Men often find you immediately attractive and sensual You're honesty is refreshingly beautiful ... it draws guys in You are also able to be open with your feelings with no emotional baggage Packing light means you enjoy new relationships easily

How Do Men See You?

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for it But inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubt A little more inner confidence could take you far... And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

Are You Confident?

He's a Keeper!

Your guy is a rare find: sweet, kind, and loyal. And as long as he doesn't have three nippples, You should seriously consider keeping him a long time Sometimes a girl can't see a good thing when she's got one So let me tell you: your guy is a gold medal boyfriend Just make sure you treat him right in return!

Is He a Keeper?

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself You're the perfect blend of independent and caring You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

Not a Jealous Bone in Your Body

You're secure, trusting, and giving with friends and lovers And while you may have been hurt before, you've bounced back You're generally happy with your life - and no one's grass is greener than yours One word of caution: some may see your lack of jealousy as indifference!

Are You Jealous?

Your Reputation Is: Sweet Girl

While you're well known, there's nothing to worry about. You're reputation is mostly good - as good as any rep can be.

What's Your Reputation?

Your Alias Should Be:

Kailyn Marlene

What Should Your Alias Be?

Neville's Financial Blog: June 2005

Neville's Financial Blog: June 2005

I down my sticky-sweet drink and order another beer.

Beer, yeah, that sounds good.

I realize fully this is my second-to-last beer for at least a week.


Fucking.



I head to the bathroom for a piss and hear the girl on her cell phone.

Sounds like she's doing lines.

Maybe she's crying.



Sometimes the hardest thing to remember is that things really aren't that hard.

Sometimes all you have to do is think simply.





It's so much goddamn easier than I remember from day-to-day.

Today's horoscope:

"Why are you chasing rainbows when you have a pot of gold?"











Exactly.

random shit

Hah...today the girl in my office who got roses tried to have them returned. That's the V-Day spirit.

The Peach Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMf) Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach. For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it. Your exact opposite: The Nymph Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him. Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense. DREAD: The False Messiah CONSIDER: The Loverboy, The Playboy, or The Boy Next Door Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

my favorite redhead

"It seems to me I have always been going in this circle, where this authority figure comes into my life, and I like it a lot, and then I just...."

"I used to sneak out, and smoke my mother's cigarettes, because I knew he would kill me. And there were other fathers."

"She wants the same red, like mine."

"You kiss her, and she's dead."



--------

""For the first time, I feel time like a heart beat. The seconds pumping in my breast like a reckoning. The numerous mysteries, that once seemed so distant and unreal, threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not in youth, but only in its passage. I feel these words as if their meaning were weight lifted from me knowing that you will read them and share my burden as I have come to trust no other. That you should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and experience that belong to you, that are you, is a comfort to me now as I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken for the continuance of a journey that began not so long ago. And which began again with a faith shaken and strengthened by your convictions. If not for which I might never have been so strong now as I cross to face you and look at you, incomplete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you."

Sometimes I'm so delightedly happy to be alive.

It's absolutely gorgeously lush that I get to be around.

And be a rational, lacksidasical being without any worries
at least that transcend anything....of the moment.


There it is, as they say.